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Thursday, August 31, 2017

Interesting animal photos

Interesting animal photos
Click Above.

Yuk-Yuks!

During a bank heist the Chief told the Sgt. to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away. Later the Sgt. reports to the chief. “Sorry sir but they got away.”

The chief very disappointed says, “I told you to cover all Exits.”

"I did” replied the Sgt. but they got away through the Entrance"
HYUK!


A suggestion from a Human Resources Manager:

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES . . .

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Parliament.
HYUK!

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
HYUK!

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
HYUK!

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”
HYUK!

Men vs. Women
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
HYUK!

Did you here about the guy who lost his whole left side?
He's alright now!
HYUK!

Diana, Princess of Wales

Diana, Princess of Wales
Diana, missed by The World
RIP Diana, Princess of Wales 1962-1997
RIP Lady Diana, Princess of Wales 1962-1997


Prince Harry and Prince William

Diana's legacy - Prince Harry and Prince William

These 2 will change the Monarchy. William is a King The World is looking forward to...

Wisdom

Harvard researchers have found that taking a daily nap can reduce the risk of death from heart disease. The study showed subjects who napped at least three times a week had a 37% lower risk of dying from heart disease than those who stayed awake all day.


It takes 24 hours to waste day, while it takes 24 minutes to make a person's day.


3 Great ECOLOGY TIPS:
1) If you buy "long life" products (such as batteries and light bulbs) or "concentrated" products, (such as juices or detergents) you not only prevent buying unnecessary packaging, but you prevent more products from ending up in a landfill!
2) If you buy less disposable items or none at all (cloth napkins, towels and diapers instead of paper ones), you prevent more things from ending up in a landfill, and you don't use any packaging.
3) If you bring your own bags to the store with you, you not only prevent having to recycle additional bags, you recycle an existing bag.


DON'T HATE THE PLAYER, HATE THE GAME


Coping with stress
Many of the stressful situations we come across in your daily lives cannot be avoided or changed, but we can change how we respond to the stress. Try improving your way of dealing with stress or a stressful situation. Take a deep breath.


"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson


Create Electricity
When talking to others, lean forward to show the other person that you are interested in what they have to say. Sitting up or with a straight back gives off the impression that you are not interested in what they are saying. Next time try leaning forward and you will be amazed at the electricity it will create.


*Wizard's Note: I am not making light of these words of wisdom, with the picture of Homer's brain, that is just to make it interesting!

Water-fall down....or Water-fall up?

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Do The Test!


This is Soooo cool!

Human Body Trivia

The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were.

1.. Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.

2.. The largest cell in the human body is the female egg.

3.. The smallest is the male sperm.

4.. You use 200 muscles to take one step.

5.. The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

6.. Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

7.. A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.

8.. A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

9.. The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

10.. The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.

11.. It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

12.. The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

13.. Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

14.. At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

15.. There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

16.. Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

17.. The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

18.. Your teeth start developing (in your gums) 6 months before you are born.

19.. When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

20.. Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.

21.. Your thumb is the same length as your nose.

22.. At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact to the test ... now remove your thumb from your nose and pass this post on to the friends you think might be interested in comparing their thumbs to their noses as well. You did it -- I KNOW you did !!!!! >

Lament to end of summer

The Wizard's feet!
End of Summer
by Krishnaa ©
Why would I lament the summer’s end,
the promise of cooler days, a reprieve from heat?
As the  clouds begin to descend,
my heart trills; my ecstasy is complete.

The promise of cooler days, a reprieve from heat,
a chance to savour the fresh drops of rain-
My heart trills; my ecstasy is complete.
Strangely though, my pleasure seems profane.

A chance to savour the fresh drops of rain-
I cherish this time as summer beats a retreat!
Strangely though, my pleasure seems profane
as the once gay sky is with gray clouds replete.

I cherish this time as summer beats a retreat.
Yet, my mind ruminates on the summer’s flavor.
As the once gay sky is with gray clouds replete,
my fondness for rainy days seems to waver.
The Wizard's feet
Yet, my mind ruminates on the summer's flavor
as the tangy colours give way to a softer tone.
My fondness for rainy days seems to waver.
I am held in awe by an emotion unknown.

As the tangy colours give way to a softer tone,
nostalgia’s recurrent sway seizes my heart.
I am held in awe by an emotion unknown.
The incessant rain rips my moods apart.

Nostalgia’s recurrent sway seizes my heart-
Why doesn’t my poor mind learn to let go?
(The incessant rain rips my moods apart.)
There is much elegance in going with the flow.

Why doesn’t my poor mind learn to let go?
There is beauty in each season, each age.
There is much elegance in going with the flow.
It’s the moment in time to turn a new page.

There is beauty in each season, each age.
As the  clouds begin to descend,
it’s the moment in time to turn a new page.
Why would I lament the summer’s end?
*© All Poetry.com

Exam Bloopers

I came across this list of alleged replies students wrote in history and religious education exam papers...some are quite cheerful and believable.
exams
1. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain!

2. Solomon one of David's sons had 500 wives and 500 porcupines!

3. The government of England was a mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.

4. Another great author was john Milton. He wrote Paradise Lost. Then when his wife dies he wrote Paradise Regained.

5. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. His mother died in infancy and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.When he was President he wore a tall silk hat and said,"in onion there is strength"!

6. France was in a very serious state, the revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was ther theme song of the revolution and it catapulted into Napoleon.

7. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur invented a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist ho wrote "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium and Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

8. Another tale tells how William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple whilst standing on his son's head!

9. Achillies appears in The Illiad, by Homer. Homer also wrote the Oddity in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysees endured on his journey!

His Ass Is Too Small...

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Inventive Bus Ads

Virtual Tour Of The Vatican

Sistine Chapel. Click here
Sistine Chapel Virtual Tour

Really Cool! Click above

5 meters distance...

This is the craziest thing I've seen in a long time. For blackberry owners, you'll need to look at this on a pc. You also have to get out of your seat and walk away from your computer. People may think you're crazy. But the illusion is well worth it...

Einstein or Marilyn Monroe?

When you look at this picture in a closer look you see its Albert Einstein .
But if you stand 5 meters distance. It will become Marilyn Monroe .
Give a try.

For Those Who Thought They Knew Everything

Don't know if these are actually true, but enjoy!

For those of you who just thought you knew everything, here's a refresher course...

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!)

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first "Marlboro Man."

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal."

And the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(I know some people like that; don't YOU?)

Now you know everything there is to know.

Of importance, that is !!!

Monday, August 28, 2017

Earl's Big Blue Parrot stolen and put high upon the Traffic Bridge

By Dan Zakreski, CBC News
Not the first time iconic sculpture taken from rooftop perch
Big Blue is back home with Jacquelyn Rogne. (CBC)
Big Blue is back home with Jacquelyn Rogne. (CBC)

Big Blue, the plastic parrot, is back at Earls Restaurant in Saskatoon after spending the weekend perched atop the Traffic Bridge.

Someone managed to move the 40-kilogram parrot from his rooftop home at the 2nd Avenue restaurant to the upper girders on the bridge.

It's no mean feat, given that the parrot was more than two storeys up on the restaurant roof and that the Traffic Bridge is under construction.

Jacquelyn Rogne, the office manager at Earls, said it's not the first time Big Blue has taken a flyer.

"We always get him back. I guess he always tries to find his way home," she said.

Rogne said staff are still trying to puzzle through the logistics.

"He's quite heavy, I'm not even aware how they got him down. I'd be interested myself to find out. Or how they got him up there would be even more difficult," she said.
Big Blue on the Traffic Bridge. (Facebook)
Big Blue on the Traffic Bridge. (Facebook)
Alyson Edwards with Saskatoon Police said they're aware of what happened, but they haven't received a formal complaint.


Some Great Words

Found this in an SPAM email sent to me....

The point of living is to be alive. To experience being alive. You can't get the full experience unless you involve yourself fully and live in the life, but the point of the life is not the things that vex you, it's the experience of them. you, yourself, are an entity beyond this lifetime and these experiences, your job is to dive into the life and live it. We get full of expectation and taking things for granted. We load ourselves with the burden of directing our lives so that when something outside our direction or desiring happens we feel cheated.

Yet when something like this happens it's usually something we could never have orchestrated deliberately and yet which gives us an experience so deep and unique and poignant that we are gifted ultimately with a depth of feeling and learning that we hadn't had since childhood. You have the opportunity to learn a whole new life suddenly. Something happens to catastrophically change your world. It's upsetting, it's shattering, it's overwhelming, but it persists. As you persist as well eventually you overcome the challenge and learn to work around it or over it or with it instead of against it. Or all of that, and still resisting it as well.

Whether it's a sudden illness or disability or the total loss of your home to catastrophe, or the loss of your loved ones, it's a hardness humans have faced forever to some degree and it's made us so strong that we dominate our entire planet and even venture into it's satellites and neighbour planets with our machines.

Nobody but a balanced and loving power who wants us to be ground to a sparkle like fine diamonds would ever put us through these tragedies, so that is what happens, outside of your plans, within a greater plan for your spirit, to shine it and give it strength.

However you see the metaphysical world, whether by higher power or personal power, most people acknowledge the idea of the part of them they call "I" is enduring beyond the physical state. That part of us is what grows, learns, becomes wiser and gentler and more loving with the lessons we learn. With strength comes grace.

Who says that all SPAM is bad?

The Lion Sleeps Tonight - Straight No Chaser

Photo or Painting?????

I'll take "Quotable Quotes" for $1000, Alex

Quote
"Knowledge is Power."
-- Francis Bacon

"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."
-- Derek Bok, attributed

"It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data."
-- Arthur Conan Doyle, (Sherlock Holmes, Scandal in Bohemia, 1891)

"If I have seen further,… it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants."
-- Isaac Newton, letter to Robert Hooke, February 5, 1675/76

"Most of the fundamental ideas of science are essentially simple, and may, as a rule, be expressed in a language comprehensible to everyone."
-- Albert Einstein, The Evolution of Physics

"It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer."
-- Albert Einstein

"The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking."
-- Albert Einstein, Out of My Later Years

"If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?"
-- Albert Einstein

"Whoever undertakes to set himself up as judge in the field of truth and knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the Gods."
-- Albert Einstein

"The only source of knowledge is experience."
-- Albert Einstein

"Creating a new theory is not like destroying an old barn and erecting a skyscraper in its place. It is rather like climbing a mountain, gaining new and wider views, discovering unexpected connections between our starting points and its rich environment. But the point from which we started out still exists and can be seen, although it appears smaller and forms a tiny part of our broad view gained by the mastery of the obstacles on our adventurous way up."
-- Albert Einstein, The Evolution of Physics.

"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18."
-- Albert Einstein

"Things should be made as simple as possible, but not any simpler."
-- Albert Einstein

"We shall require a substantially new manner of thinking if mankind is to survive."
-- Albert Einstein

"Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects."
-- Will Rogers

"The greater our knowledge increases, the greater our ignorance unfolds."
-- John Fitzgerald Kennedy

"The great tragedy of science -- the slaying of a beautiful theory by an ugly fact."
-- T.H. Huxley, Evidence as to Man's Place in Nature.

"An important scientific innovation rarely makes its way by gradually winning over and converting its opponents… What does happen is that its opponents gradually die out, and that the growing generation is familiarized with the ideas from the beginning."
-- Max Planck

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."
-- Bertrand Russell

A LIBERAL DECALOGUE By Bertrand Russell
"Perhaps the essence of the Liberal outlook could be summed up in a new decalogue, not intended to replace the old one but only to supplement it. The Ten Commandments that, as a teacher, I should wish to promulgate, might be set forth as follows:
1. Do not feel absolutely certain of anything.
2. Do not think it worth while to proceed by concealing evidence, for the evidence is sure to come to light.
3. Never try to discourage thinking for you are sure to succeed.
4. When you meet with opposition, even if it should be from your husband or your children, endeavor to overcome it by argument and not by authority, for a victory dependent upon authority is unreal and illusory.
5. Have no respect for the authority of others, for there are always contrary authorities to be found.
6. Do not use power to suppress opinions you think pernicious, for if you do the opinions will suppress you.
7. Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric.
8. Find more pleasure in intelligent dissent that in passive agreement, for, if you value intelligence as you should, the former implies a deeper agreement than the latter.
9. Be scrupulously truthful, even if the truth is inconvenient, for it is more inconvenient when you try to conceal it.
10. Do not feel envious of the happiness of those who live in a fool's paradise, for only a fool will think that it is happiness."
-- The Autobiography of Bertrand Russell, 1944-1969, pp. 71-2

A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
by Mark Twain

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

And from the other side...

"The youthful brain should in general not be burdened with things ninety-five percent of which it cannot use and hence forgets again… In many cases, the material to be learned in the various subjects is so swollen that only a fraction of it remains in the head of the individual pupil, and only a fraction of this abundance can find application, while on the other hand it is not adequate for the man working and earning his living in a definite field."
-- Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf, p. 418.

"Knowledge above the average can be crammed into the average man, but it remains dead, and in the last analysis sterile knowledge. The result is a man who may be a living dictionary but nevertheless falls down miserably in all special situations and decisive moments in life."
-- Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf, p. 429.

"The folkish state must not adjust its entire educational work primarily to the inoculation of mere knowledge, but to the breeding of absolutely healthy bodies. The training of mental abilities is only secondary. And here again, first place must be taken by the development of character, especially the promotion of will-power and determination, combined with the training of joy in responsibility, and only in last place comes scientific schooling."
-- Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf, p. 408.

"A people of scholars, if they are physically degenerate, weak-willed and cowardly pacifists, will not storm the heavens, indeed, they will not be able to safeguard their existence on this earth."
-- Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf, p. 408.

"But it would be absolutely mistaken to regard a wealth of theoretical knowledge as characteristic proof for the qualities and abilities of a leader."
-- Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf, p. 580.Quote

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Ain't nuttin better 'n Double Double Butter! - Kernels

Kernals Double double butter
Now Kernels has Double Double Butter!

"Wizard Approved!"

8 Stories

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"

"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO

The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Safeway with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.

I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"

I said to her "I've changed my mind I don't think I'll buy that today."

She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

"Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.

What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage.

The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister."

I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers.

One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:

"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT

Police in Radnor , Pennsylvania , interrogated a suspect by placing a metal collander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.

The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.

Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

DUH!

The Parrot

The Parrot A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman."

"What?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a pair of panties that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your wife's crotch and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he pulled down the panties, got down on his knees and began to lick her, starting with her chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrot. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my f*cking perch."

Changes in The European Union

Now that Britain has Brexited The European Union, The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou"and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
HYUK!

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Roderick – a story about someone who lives in my head

Click here to download a PDF

I pushed David (see "My Lover David Cassidy") away in 1977, when I was 15. He was replaced immediately by Roderick. Roderick is mean and has a bad English accent. Until August 24, 2017 I had never mentioned him in this way to anyone. I felt really comfortable with my current therapist, I mentioned to her he had a bad English accent and was called Roderick. I always referred to him as ‘noise’ in my head, my own voice… which he is not.

David was very nice. He cared about me. He loved me. He was my friend. Roderick is none of those. He is evil. Evil incarnate. He hates me. He wants me dead.
Above is something like he looks like... not exactly, but close enough
Above is something like he looks like...
not exactly, but close enough

He likes to repeat the same words over and over and over. His favourites are “Die! Die! Die! Die!~~~~”, “Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn!” and “Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!”. These are ALL directed at me in a relentless burst. The burn he is referring to is to have me use Easy Off in this case and spray it on my arm. I do that so I don’t hear him for a while. Same goes for cut. It refers to him asking me to slash my arm with scissors.

The Die! Happens when I am near things that could kill me. For example, “Jump in front of that car! Die! Die! Die! Die!” He then says “You know you wanna, just do it! Do it! DO IT!” I say, ”I can’t!“ or “I don’t want to!” Roderick says “You’re a loser. Can’t follow simple instructions. Always telling the shrinks about me. They know about me. They can’t get rid of me!” I would say that I don’t know how, he would reply I tell you how! You just don’t listen!!!

Roderick is with me always. Has been since I was 15 years old. He has been my constant and hated companion, and between me and him, my head gets all filled up with noise. It gets so bad sometimes that I can’t think, so the suggestions that he gave me, the burning or cutting of my arm, even constantly rubbing my eyes…

Far worse, he has managed to get me to listen to him to kill myself twice in the last 10 years. I also tried when I was 16, he told me to run my car at full speed into an abutment. At the last minute I swerved, went on and off the median, caused soo much damage to my car! IN Saskatoon, he wanted me to crash my car into the Knox United Church on the corner of Spadina and 25th St E. I ended up taking out the boulevard curb sign at 50KPH. I am so weak.

He is truly evil. In his thoughts and what he asks of me. Its hard to explain. Unlike David, Roderick is powerful and his suggestions, which sometimes are orders, he shouts and shouts until I give in. When I finally take the scissors and cut my arm, or finally spray Easy Off on my arm, He is quiet. It is a rare and luxurious feeling. I have told my doctors/therapists in the past that I self harm because that’s the only way to get thoughts of killing myself from my head. Partially true, I just omit that it’s Roderick who tells me to do this.

He is very persistent. I almost always give up before he does…

Brain Damage

The lunatic is on the grass.
The lunatic is on the grass.
Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs.
Got to keep the loonies on the path.

The lunatic is in the hall.
The lunatics are in my hall.
The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
And every day the paper boy brings more.

And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
And if there is no room upon the hill
And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

The lunatic is in my head.
The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane.
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There's someone in my head but it's not me.

And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear.
And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

"I can't think of anything to say except...
I think it's marvelous! HaHaHa!"

Roderick can be on very rare occasions appear nice. But I am not fooled. He’s always in it for himself. He always has an ulterior motive. He can seem nice, quietly speaking to me with something like, “I’m impressed, Brian. I don’t think I could have handled that.” I say, “Thanks.” He then says, “Next time use a knife!”, and he cackles. FCUK! I say.

He also is speaking to me at all other times of day, but I get in trouble mostly when I am alone with him. He will tell me to shout something at passers by, or I see a rock on the ground he tells me to pick it up and throw it at a passing car. When I was 15, and he was new to me, he got me to convince Randall, my best friend, to come with me a drop large rocks off the Polo Park Street bridge (Empress. I believe). After dropping several and missing, I managed to land one square in the middle of the windshield. It went right through. We ran. That was when I realized Roderick was a sociopath.

I did not create Roderick. He found me. He is not part of me, he just lives with me. He wishes everyone else was dead, so we could be alone. Since that’s not possible, he’s trying to kill me so he can be with me forever.

I mentioned he was a sociopath. When I was 16, he told me to kill all my tropical fish. I took the net and hit them over and over, watching them jump around the aquarium, not knowing when they would get hit again. I killed them all. 2 Angelfish, 6 Zebra Danios and 2 Cory Catfish. I broke the heater so I could say they got electrocuted. I hate him. So much.

Roderick has an insatiable lust. Every guy (practically!) I walk by, he does a wolf whistle. Sometimes even before I see them. Roderick was the reason that I was so promiscuous in my teens. I mean he decided he wanted sex, by god we would end up in a bush, behind a building, anywhere his sex drive could be met. He was not gay, and he told me I wasn’t either. I asked him how is that possible if we are always having sex with guys? Good point he said. I thought it strange that Roderick could feel pleasure when I was the one having sex. I was very lucky I didn’t get AIDS back then. No safe sex. Neither for traditional intercourse or oral sex. I tried denying it, but Roderick would tell me that I knew I liked it. Oh shit! Get out of my head!

He was also part in parcel of my drug use. I was pretty heavy into some between, 16 and about 21. I tried grass, special k (ketamine), LSD, amphetamines, ecstasy (MDMA), mushrooms, bennies, and huffing butane. Again, remember I said he was trying to kill me?

Now that I have told the story of Roderick, I'm not sure what they will think. But anyways, he's been with me so long I kinda like him. If nothing else, he keeps my thoughts interesting....NOT!

I just can't get you out of my head
Rod it's more than I dare to think about
Every night, every day
Just to be stuck there in my head

Won't you leave?
Won't you go?
Leave forever and ever
And ever and ever

I just can't get you out of my head
Rod your shouting is all I think about
I just can't get you out of my head
Rod it's more than I dare to think about
You're a dark secret in me
Don't leave me locked in your heart

Set me free
Feel the need in me
Set me free
Go forever and ever
And ever and ever
I just can't get you out of my head
I just can't get you out of my head
I just can't get you out of my head


modified from "Can't Get You out Of My Head" - Kylie Minogue

...i wish i was dead.

The Cuckoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the pinche cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit,", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Little Feet, Little Minds

by E. L. Davis

"Big Man - Little Man"

They come into our lives one small child at a time,
Always scared and lonely and wondering what they’ll find.
Their minds so full of questions and their eyes full of fear,
Always listening closely just to see what they can hear.

Little feet, little minds. So many children, so little time.

Once someone’s little angel sent from heaven up above
Now battered, bruised, and broken and only wanting love.
You offer them affection just to see them pull away,
But you keep on trying, every single day.


A child is like a garden—without love, it won’t grow.
But give it to them daily and soon it starts to show.
You see a little sparkle in eyes once filled with fear,
You hear a little laugh that sounds oh-so-dear.

Little feet, little minds. So many children, so little time.

Once someone’s little angel, now ours for awhile,
That gives us hugs and kisses and a big, warm smile.
Now all those deep dark secrets they’ve kept locked up inside,
They start to tell them to you, a little at a time.
As you sit and listen to the words they say,
You ask yourself, “How come life turns out this way?”

Little feet, little minds. So many children, so little time.

Now the days are passing by and all their fears are too.
You hope you’ve made a difference with all you say and do,
And you know you have when you hear “I love you.”
It makes it all worthwhile when bedtime comes at night,
And you get those hugs and kisses when you turn out the light.

Little feet, little minds. So many children, so little time.

Now as the love inside grows more and more each day,
The call you knew was coming finally comes your way.
They’re coming to get the angel that someone threw away,
Now your heart is breaking because you know that they can’t stay.


As you pack the memories that all of you have made,
You gently wipe away the tears streaming down your face.
And as you place each item a reflection you will see,
Of the child as they are today and how they used to be.

Little feet, little minds. So many children, so little time.

Once again the house falls silent of tiny little feet,
Gently, softly running, playing hide and seek.
Even though you’re leaving, in our hearts you’ll always stay
In a special place, safely locked away.
God bless all little angels sent from heaven up above.
May they all find families, filled with happiness and love.

Little feet, little minds. So many children, so little time.

E. L. Davis is a foster parent in Chatham County, North Carolina.

Copyright © 2002 Jordan Institute for Families
&#185 Painting "Little Man Big Man" © Steve Walker

How's Your Stress Level?

The pictures below are used to test the level of stress a person can handle.

The slower the pictures move, the better your ability of handling stress.

Alleged criminals see them spinning around madly while seniors and kids see them still.

If you still think that there's a trick here, you may wish to print it (even black and white) and by then you're sure that it's a still picture...

Look at it again and check your level of stress...

I wish You enough..

What is enough?

Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said "I love you and I wish you enough"

The daughter replied, "Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom"

They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking "Did you ever say goodbye to someone knowing it would be
forever?".

"Yes, I have," I replied. "Forgive me for asking but why is this a forever goodbye?". "I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is -- the next trip back will be for my funeral" she said.

"When you were saying goodbye, I heard you say 'I wish you enough'. May I ask what that means?".

She began to smile "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone".

She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. "When we said 'I wish you enough' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them".

Then turning toward me she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory --

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright. I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive. I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

She then began to cry and walked away. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

Forward this post to the people you will never forget.


TAKE TIME TO LIVE.....

To all my friends and loved ones , I WISH YOU ENOUGH!

Friday, August 25, 2017

Snappy Comeback!

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and says sweetly, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."
Massive right arm!

Gender of Inanimate Objects

Gender City

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender. For example:

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be Male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

A new twist on an old saying....